How the hell are you supposed to figure out your own preferences and boundaries with the internet if it's something you grew up with and is so ingrained in our culture that it's basically like air? When I was a teenager 15+ years ago, was I supposed to know how to limit my time on social media? Or that constantly editing my photos or trying so hard to become famous can be harmful? That my need for gorgeous photos or an audience was rooted in mainly vanity?
Hello, I have officially turned 30 and have decided to return from my content creation hiatus. As I prepare to film and recreate a new set of habits and goals as I enter this new decade of my life, I wanted to write again. Time and time again every time I reflect I just remember being so hard on myself while simultaneously trying extremely hard to be perfect. Every photo, every angle, every "bad" piece of art or video I've made and the intentions behind it. As I look back, I've decided to let it go. While who I was may not resonate with me anymore, I need to respect that individual because she, as cringey as I may feel in hindsight, made me stronger and who I am today. I am a culmination of all of my experiences, flaws, lessons, and I think the biggest regret I can have in life is not being true to who I am. I value self expression and yet my perfectionism stops me. I look back and photos and remember judging myself so harshly and now, I wish I was kinder. I beat myself up when I make a mistake because it feels like I am a failure, when reality mistakes are part of being human.
All these lessons are clichés and things I've heard countless times and yet they are things I still need to practice. I used to think being in your 30's is when you're finally an adult, but I know I'm just starting.
There's a component of being human in this society that cannot escape the need for some level of social acceptance or external validation. I think if the ratio is higher than 70% that's a great start. I don't know if that balance can ever be 100% just for ourselves without caring about what others think, but I think that's okay and just human nature. It's important to figure out the 'why' of what you do and go from there.
I basically took a year off of making videos and posting and I can confidently say my whole approach has shifted. The reason I kept stopping is because the actions I took were misaligned with my values and mission. My 'why' was never strong enough because it was rooted in a superficial goal. Sure, I wanted to help others and make them happy, but only the content that was truly rooted in either sharing the deepest parts of my soul or the ones that are 80% motivated by wanting to help are, in my opinion, the most 'successful'. Those are the ones that pushed me to actually create because I am so motivated to help prevent people from experiencing the pain and hardships that I have. The amount of content creators I've found and resonated with over the years are very few, but their content and mere existence has inspired and motivated me to embrace who I am and to live my best life. In a world of different personalities and often shallow lifestyles, it's these people who remind me I'm not alone. I truly hope I can be that person for someone, and if not for anyone, just for myself.
I am so proud of how far I've come and I'm excited to be back.
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